Assume that your environment is infested unpleasant person: he makes you mad, and nervous, and just tired. To stop would be to communicate with him — and that's that. But you worry and maintain relationships. Why?
FEAR OF CONDEMNATION
You have not 15, but the feeling that native people (parents, grandmother, older brother) makes your life unbearable, can not let go. All your attempts to communicate in what have not resulted. No matter why: maybe this is the relative emotional abuser and doesn't want to settle, and wants to ruin you. Or just a bad character and hard fate of man, and you sob into my pillow at night, trying to understand what is to blame. The important thing is that you would be much happier, interrupting or reducing communication to a minimum. However, the fear of condemnation negates all the arguments of reason. Because since childhood we hear that to swear with family is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family and friends and their ilk come and go. In the end, what will people think?
Have a plan. “Speech in similar cases goes about respecting personal boundaries, says family therapist Marina Travkova. — You can run away from your relatives to distant lands, but the tension still remains. So first you need to hear yourself, not turning a blind eye to their own discomfort, and finally to choose who do you value more: you or all those people who “have their say”. It is impossible to please everyone, so someone who has set himself a similar task in the trap. This way of life robs of joy, strength and health health. It arises, as a rule, where the person was taught from childhood to be the “way it is” and insisted that “is not wrong, nobody needs it”. Remind yourself that you're not a helpless baby. For baby I'm scared to death to get a rejection of those he loves and on whom they depend. But you grew up. And if someone is upset with your behavior, SKO-ray of all, neither you nor the afflicted does not die. Gently but firmly explain that you are, of course, relatives, but this situation does not suit you anymore. Get ready for resistance — usually behavior “still I will endure” love him who practises it, and so just close your not giving up on him. You still can't be all good, and in this situation someone needs to show concern for you, and that someone most likely is you”.
OR THE RIGHT TO HAVE?
All those who love to be tormented with guilt, it is helpful to keep on hand “the Right of a confident man” (from the bill of the psychological rights of the individual — an informal document developed by the American Association of psychologists).
1. Every person has the right to evaluate their own behavior, thoughts, feelings and take responsibility for them.
2. Everyone has the right not to justify and explain their actions to others.
3. Everyone has the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty, and to decide whether he wants to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
4. Everyone has the right to change their decision.
5. Everyone has the right to ignorance, to making illogical decisions, not be perfect.
SO IT IS NECESSARY
This is the most popular excuse for those who tolerate and her husband, a despot, and boorish neighbor. There's a lot of different “need” that are executed without thinking about what anyone should and, in fact, for what. It is necessary to marry, to build golovokrugenie enforcement career, travel around the world. One of these “must” is obligatory and friendship with newfound relatives and “friends of friends”, as well as with their second half. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and courteous conversation at rare meetings are not suitable. That's friendship. And no matter what husbands and friends we choose on common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and all others are included, just what we are. And mutual love can not be folded. Or will mutual not-love. Simply put, become close to them you are unwilling to do, however, continue to do a good mine at bad game, supporting himself with arguments: “we are one family”, “raised me” and “everyone is doing it”.</p>
Have a plan. “If you dig deeply, — says psychologist Marina Gorshkova, that “it is necessary” pre-installed to us from childhood. This behavior was peculiar to the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we had inherited. And if you look at the surface, it is the usual attempt to control the opinions of others about you. You're selfless friends with the people closest to you dear person, in this way trying to say “I'm good, I'm doing everything right”. But try to listen to your desires and to determine what method of communication with those people suits you the most. He be afraid to dream, to lose myself this way and to see what emotions and feelings you have it will cause. However, let's not kid ourselves: if you find a definite “do not want”, it will have to legalize, we have to admit it even to himself. Thus it will be easier to understand what you such communication is not necessary.”
ROOT FOR OUR
The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and desire to see them happy and satisfied is worthy of respect. But if you forget about their emotions and comfort is the psi-psychological “suffering” threatens to nervous disorders and as a result, various governmental diseases. Psychologist Elena Kozeeva has no doubts: “If you notice a special pattern “to tolerate and forgive” and by this peculiar psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution is to go for a consultation with an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and assistance in the development of the ability to build boundaries in communication, plus need to get stronger over the years protective mechanisms.
And it's not always easy to do alone.”
I'M AFRAID TO OFFEND
Perhaps you don't want to gently make friends with distant relatives and husbands friends, but it is expected of you by others. The ones you love and don't want to offend. For example, your man. You put a lot of effort, trying to be all good, but eventually you get so nervous and already very offended by it — for what loved one doesn't understand, doesn't see how bad you feel in the presence of his mother. This situation may well result in a broken relationship, the benefit which you worked so hard. Some call it women's wisdom, which, however, usually cover up-VAT anything, ranging from fear to change your life for the best and ending with the outright stupidity.</p>
Have a plan. Marianna Volkova, psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your “sacrifices” in the name of universal peace is absolutely in vain. While you suffer silently, surrounding are sure that everything is in order, but if one day you try to present his suffering as a feat for a loved one, you probably just won't understand. You have to admit, it is strange to do what you want and when to be silent. Sooner or later you will explode and pour out all that has accumulated over a long time, not controlling emotions. In this case the truth will not be on your side: if you previously did not show discontent, then, you all arranged. And suddenly — an unexpected scene. In the end you risk becoming an unbalanced hysteric. The best solution would be a direct conversation, but not based on personality not-nice person but on your own feelings and emotions. A compromise can always be found, but any compromise begins with a Frank conversation”. It is not excluded that whoever you're so afraid to offend, really try to be offended. If a friend refuses to listen to you and your desires, we simply have to put it before the fact and remind you that you are a live person and have the right to psychological comfort.
USED
You communicate with a colleague from the times, who doesn't remember no one else in the team. But it took some years and common interests have left. Or, indeed, was uncomfortable — instead of the usual joy you feel only irritation. It would seem obvious that the communication should be collapsed or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about the weather and nature. But the reality is not so rosy.
Have a plan. “If you are not just disagreed, but you actually experience negative emotions, communicating with a person, it is better to gradually reduce the contact no, — said Marianna Volkova. — Over time people change, and maybe you don't really on the way. Of course, it's a shame to abandon a friend with whom I'd spent so much time. But often we are afraid to lose the person, and communication as ritual that accompanied every stage of our lives.” Such relationships can often be compared with a long marriage, in which feelings become a habit. To interrupt them to you, most likely, be a pity and a shame. In this case good help to think about the feelings of the opponent. In fact the person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and eager to communicate. So even out of respect for your many years of friendship stop pretending that everything is okay. You have two options: either frankly to admit their feelings, or carefully to minimize communication to the level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to dismiss the situation of the eye.
UNNECESSARY LINK
What if in any of the situations listed above you were, but — on the other side of the barricades? “When you suddenly refuse to communicate, you often begin to question myself and look for reasons — reflects Marianna Volkova. — Because I can't understand how you — such a good and did not do anything bad to the person — ignore it. You can, of course, to torment yourself and loved ones endless “why?”. You can even arrange a confrontation and to try to call not taking you for a man for a Frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least to put yourself and your opponent in an uncomfortable position. As a maximum — to provoke the conflict, without which you both could do. Ideally, of course, be left to each individual the right to choose with whom and how to communicate.”
SECRETS OF DISGUISE
It is fair to say that just cutting all contact with an unpleasant person is not always possible. It is unlikely you will be able to openly say to the boss to see him more do not wish and work now — for the corporate email. Will have to find a way to adjust. For example, the citizen don't do anything bad to you personally, but it is terribly annoying. Are you looking for a clue, but don't see her — just mad and all. “If you feel irritation in the society of a certain person without any apparent reason, it would be worthwhile to first understand yourself, — hints Elena Kozeeva. — Possibly, an accident anyway. You may find that it reminds the other person of the past, which is associated with unpleasant emotions. Or feel next to him his inferiority in any field. Perhaps you had some expectations and they were dashed. After identifying and understanding the causes of irritation unpleasant emotions may disappear completely”. If you understand that it is unnerving you, is to try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkov advises to each meeting with an unpleasant person to be treated as, for example, the trip to the dentist — so so fun, but necessary. “It really helps knowing that you two nerve cells spend only you. But he doesn't care that he is annoying you.” </p>
