The number of divorced and not living with each otherspouses rapidly growing among families with children, surpassing the number of divorces among couples in general. Currently, one of the three minor children not living with their parents. Even more shocking is the fact that now many men and women find a divorce »normal» - »normal state». Since 60 to 70 percent of all divorces affect the lives of minor children, the future well-being of young people is a major concern of the judges who make decisions on the appointment of guardians of the child. Many of these processes for the last two years because parents are delaying the trial; in most cases they have hatred for each other, but sometimes with the hope of reuniting. These parents often manipulate children in order to settle accounts with each other.
Many mothers and fathers trying to justify theiract so that their children will be much better in a conflict-free family than in a home where there are constant clashes between the spouses, unhappy with each other. However, the facts do not support this theory.
How divorce affects children? Dr Harvey White presented the results of a remarkable study in the book »Your family is good for you.» It published the findings of scientists who worked on the project »Children of a divorce victim» and interviewed 60 families during the divorce and a year later. Scientists have tried to identify such emotional problems like depression, anxiety, withdrawal and bad behavior. The study found that the younger the child, the more serious are the consequences, because a small child is more than a teenager, is counting on the fact that his family guarantees him a much-needed security and protection. The researchers concluded that the children have experienced »acute crisis caused by the loss of a parent, and the turmoil of divorce, and they were long-term emotional disorders, who subsequently had an effect.»
»Children aged 2.5 to 3.5 years backat an earlier stage of development, namely: forgotten how to use the toilet, become irritable, tearful, prone to whining, fear, increased anxiety during the separation from the mother, poor sleep, confusion, aggression and outbursts of anger. It was noted that these symptoms occurred in all the children, except one, who lost their parents and were in the same family circumstances. Their games were »bleak.» In conversations on the play therapy they were designed risky worlds inhabited by dangerous animals, and was told »the grim history.» They were in fear and confusion. Three of the nine children in this age group have become more anxious, a year after the divorce; it turned out that they live in families that still lasts conflict associated with divorce, and their mothers are busy most of their time.
Four-year children also experienced deepdepression, they were in confusion and blame themselves for the divorce. Seven of the eleven children after divorce were more depressed, more constrained in play and behavior and have more severe need for approval, attention and physical contact. This is despite the loving meetings and externally to improve relations with their fathers, from time to time to visit them, compared with the relationship that existed in their family before the divorce. It seems that the situation has been deteriorating due to changes in the behavior of the mother, which is now too busy with chores and tried to assume the role of father.
44 per cent of pre-school children a yearAfter her parents' divorce have become more emotionally unstable than before the divorce. The most important factor before the divorce was the emotional availability of the mother and the high quality of the relationship between mother and child.
Только среди пяти- и шестилетних детей удалось найти таких, которые сумели нормально пережить развод родителей. Девочки в этом возрасте больше переживали потерю отцов и были погружены в мир печальных фантазий. Им казалось, что своей любовью они смогут вернуть отцов в семью. Редкие посещения отцов они воспринимали почти как ухаживание, и у них наступало сильное разочарование после отъезда отца. Поэтому эти девочки жили в мире своих фантазий и плохо учились в школе.
Fifty per cent of five- and six-year oldsIt managed to survive the crisis associated with the divorce of parents, and 25-50 per cent were sad, frightened, poorly understood, who now need to love and obey, and longing for their fathers. »
Even the best dating mode with the father did not reduceat the five- and six-year olds wish to see his father in the house. Even in this age of the children, as well as other members of the family had to adapt to the loss of a parent through the development of a new relationship. It was also revealed that the divorce procedure itself is perceived by the child is not as painful as the subsequent process of adaptation.
Joan Kelly Judith Wallerstein, the creatorsresearch project »Children of a divorce victim», quotes the words of a little boy described the divorce of his parents: »I pick up the two parts.» Trying to visually depict their situation, the boy abruptly ran his hand over his forehead, as if chopping itself in half.
Dr. F. James Anthony quoted another child: »I feel as if Mom and Dad are fighting inside of me, and then they walk away from each other, tearing me in half, so I went with them both. But if I did, I would have come to an end. They would have torn me. I can be a real live person only when they connect again. »
Older children and teenagers a little easiergoing through a divorce, because at this age they are able to more openly express feelings of hostility, anger, and bitterness, which allows them to reduce the force of the emotional trauma and shock. The dismissal of the older children from the divorce proceedings, the better they cope with this situation, and decreases the likelihood that they will take the side of one parent in his intrigues against the other.
Attempts to involve children as allies inagainst the other parent undermine the normal relationship between parent and child when the mother and father of a one demean their dignity, trying to be a friend or a friend of your child, then the adolescent loses as a result of the conflict is not a parent, but both at once. Most of this time the child needs a parent, not the other buddy and farther removed from the teenager this painful, traumatic situations associated with divorce, the more stable will be the surviving family structure and the better the child will behave.
Research Wallerstein and Kelly confirmed thethe fact that 25 to 50 percent of children from divorced families for a year after the divorce are in low spirits, bad in school, and their development is inhibited. They studied the behavior of a group of children for five years and found that »thirty-seven percent of surveyed teens suffer from depression, manifested in chronic and pronounced sadness, promiscuity in sexual relations, offenses related to drug abuse, petty theft, alcoholism, breaking doors and cars, low academic achievement, strong anger, apathy, anxiety and severe, unrelenting need for sympathy and understanding. The study also found that even though 29 percent of children and developed normally, but occasionally felt themselves disadvantaged, experiencing grief and indignant on one or both parents. Thirty-four per cent of children are more or less well tolerated gap between parents and their condition differed very little from the condition of children from intact families. »
Пятьдесят шесть процентов детей, которых попросили высказать свое мнение, ответили, что не считают свою нынешнюю семью лучше той, в которой они жили раньше. Другие трудности, связанные с потерей одного родителя, могут всплыть в последующие периоды жизни. Развод — достаточно тяжелое переживание для взрослых, но на детей он оказывает еще более пагубное влияние с долговременными негативными последствиями.
Despite the fact that in many books and articlesstated otherwise, divorce is rarely »creative» way out of the crisis and almost always becomes a disaster for everyone he touches. Caring parents will do everything to save the family. When a divorce seems inevitable, despite the most vigorous attempts to save the marital relationship, the parents are required to minimize the damage that would be caused to their children. Do not start the procedures relating to divorce in the first five years of your child's life.
Unfortunately, not all pairs that can be engagedlove, smart enough to raise responsible children. Not all marriages have to lead to the birth of children. But husbands and wives, producing children into this world, it is necessary to assume parental responsibilities. They need enough respect to take their parental privileges and give up selfish desires in order to provide their children a brighter future.
Развод может казаться единственным выходом, когда супружеская пара все время испытывает разочарование, когда супруги недовольны друг другом и считают, что брак не оправдал их ожиданий. Но дети становятся безгласными пешками и несчастными заложниками этой ситуации.
