Because today, almost seven million children live with a stepfather or stepmother, we need briefly to consider than parenting other people's children is different from parenting their own. One of the leading experts on the family, said the stepfather and the stepmother of five times more difficult to perform the role of parent than my own father or mother. Not always their task so difficult, yet life sometimes throws them a serious challenge.
First of all you will need to determine what to expect from the child. Native and non-native parent, you first need to coordinate their actions to their expectations all match. Otherwise, both parents will be to sow chaos and confusion. Agreed among themselves, parents should discuss with the child that he would understand that the step-parent became part of a unified team.
Stepmother especially needs the support of her husband. Intruding into an already established relationship, she, as a rule, is perceived simultaneously as an uninvited guest, and how dear deliverer. If the father is so sluggish or weak, allowing the stepmother to take matters into their own hands, the baby can cause resentment. In addition, the stepmother is likely to be feel totally depressed the challenges that she will have to decide, and it is in the first few months of her stay in the home can encounter numerous problems, which subsequently will result in different critical situations.
Further, if parents in advance, before the marriage, and discussed with the children what standards of behavior are expected, they should be ready for any form of resistance. Each child will be several times to check and recheck the allowed limits, for he needs to study limits in any new relationship or situation. Please note that from the reaction of the non-native parent for this check will depend on how long the test. That's why rather than a step-parent will give the child to feel their presence and show that he intends to stay the long haul, the sooner the child will accept the new situation.
In most cases foster parents need internally to prepare for what the child will initially resent their appearance in the family. The younger the child, the easier he adapts to a non-native parent. However, most foster parents are not lucky, and they are a family and take on parental responsibilities at a time when a child is too large to quickly get used to them. They have to work with children, the character and personality which are already more or less settled. But the die was cast. Even when the older child loves step-parent, he is usually not inclined to Express love in words or actions.
If you are a stepfather or stepmother, prepare to storm peaks. Don't expect baby instant love, remember that he is already badly damaged by divorce or the death of a loved parent. As the child has just experienced a devastating emotional drought, he is extremely vulnerable, and therefore often behaving worse than usual. Step-parent misinterprets this behavior, believing that the child has rejected him, but this is not always true. Stepson or stepdaughter, only occasionally visiting the nonnative parent, hardly ever will experience him "love" in the true sense of the word. Someone suggested that step-parents delete the word love from your vocabulary. It is more realistic to expect between a child and a step-parent will established a respectful relationship, which over time may develop into something more warm and deep.
In re the marriage of family members it is best to find a common language in those cases where children are prepared in advance to the arrival of a stepfather or stepmother. The main rule when creating a mixed family is to even before marriage to stipulate what is expected from each family member. It is not necessary that each spouse had the same opinion on every issue, but it is important that everyone understand the other person's feelings and reaction to his behavior, especially when it comes to discipline. This training includes understanding the limited capacity of non-native parents. They are not related to the child by blood, and therefore must earn his respect. The stepfather or stepmother just so nothing is given. One occurrence in the family is not enough to provide credibility, foster parents have again and again to prove his good intentions.
Many people think that to be a stepfather or stepmother is as easy as breathing, but in life we often have to ill open. Many foster parents consider themselves to be Mature people who love kids, and they think that the adoptee is easy to get along with. "What's the difference, my children or strangers?" — they comforted themselves. However, the task of stepmother or stepfather is fundamentally different from the role of the biological parents. They are not related by blood to those children who are brought up no body is as natural to count on the love of a child, as natural parents. All the love that you plan to surround your stepson or stepdaughter, nothing will change. This truth fully comes to consciousness stepfather or stepmother six months after marriage.
The longer stepson or stepdaughter get acquainted with the future stepfather or stepmother to their wedding with relatives by the parent, the higher the chances to realize their expectations and to solve any problems. If the child is not prepared for the fact that his life will enter a new person, this fact can have dire long-term consequences. Wise parents, as a rule, include a stepson or stepdaughter at the wedding ceremony. One family called aloud the names of all the children when they exchanged marital vows during the marriage ceremony. This move helped the children to feel part of the new cell. It's not like another family, with whom I worked. The father of the new family said with great feeling: "I married it and not on her children!" He didn't want to admit that if his new wife has children, then he should take them.
Before you assign the wedding party, give your child the opportunity to see the true character of the new parents in all circumstances. And new parent needs to undertake persistent efforts to find out from the child what he expects from their relationship.
Be a good stepfather or stepmother son or daughter of a divorced person is different from the same intention, when one is dealing with a child, eager for someone to fill the void created after the death of a parent. The more time that passes after the death of a parent, the stronger the child enshrines the memories of him and the harder the child will adapt to the new conditions. Most likely, the child will be hoping that the new dad (or mom) will continue to raise him in the same spirit as the deceased or departed parent, and it's almost impossible.
Every child should feel part of the newly created family, he needs to know that he has a special place. Further, if a child comes only for holidays or weekends, he still should be a place that belongs to him alone: a bed, a Desk drawer, bedside table and some other accessories. When children from two families begin to live under the same roof, this factor becomes even more important. Every child should be a place or a space that belongs only to him and no one else. One mother, perevisa her two children to the house of a new husband, who also had two children, said: "All children had to adjust to the new situation, to share their rooms. My eldest daughter wants to have her own bedroom and children husband complain: "Yeah, whose house is this, anyhow?"".
Mixed family you need to find something in common: some common business or activity which is able to unify her. This could be overnight hike on a weekend, some kind of sport that everybody likes, is passionate about bird watching or some events in the Church. But the mixed family is required to find a common cause can strengthen ties of friendship among its members.
No one can replace blood parents, and stepfather and stepmother do not need to continue to try to do it. However, the best that can happen to an orphaned child who has lost one parent through death or divorce, is the acquisition of a good stepfather or stepmother. Of course, the child may be surrounded by the love of her biological parents, but to receive love from someone who decided to love you, is a different matter. Happy "blended family" is possible only if adults are characterized by maturity, patience and perseverance and if God's love is consistently demonstrated in the process of merging and after it. When connected, there is much to fix.
