Maybe you are looking for a way to bring up your childdisappointment when he misbehaves and gives you a lot of hassle. To understand the difference between effective and ineffective methods of communication in such situations, you need to become familiar with the »you-statements» and »I-statements-mi». Most of the teams and derogatory remarks contain unflattering assessment. If you go back to the previous page, where we talked about how the »commanders» humiliate your child, circle and circle all the uses of the pronoun »you», you will find that they devalue the child.
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If you simply tell your child how you You feel when he behaves inappropriatelyway, you get the so-called »I-statement». »I can not watch TV with this noise,» »I was very upset when I see that the housework is not done», »I can not cook dinner when the kitchen inundated with different things.»
Note: A parent has chosen acceptable speech and gave the child to understand that he also hasfeelings. If the parent is tired, not located to play with the baby, she said to him: »How did you make me sick», so he picks up bad words, wanting to tell a child about his fatigue. Using the »I-statements», the parent explains that he feels when the child behaves unbearable. Thus, he does not condemn the child, but only points to his unacceptable behavior, drawing a clear distinction between the child and his behavior
«Я-утверждения» скорее произведут положительные изменения в поведении ребенка и уменьшат его сопротивление и неповиновение, часто вызываемое га-утверждениями. Ребенок воспринимает «ты-утверждения» как унижение и удар по своему достоинству, тогда как в «я-утверждениях» речь идет исключительно о чувствах родителя.
Effective »I-statement» consists of three parts:
1. Description of the feelings of the parent when the child behaves inappropriately
2. Description of the child's behavior without any charges were against him (in this case the use of the word may be you).
3. What are the real consequences of such behavior would be for you
In this case, the »I-statement» must have the following construction: »I feel ___ (1) ___ when you ___ (2) ___ because ___ (3) ___.
Вот еще примеры действенных «я-фраз». Обратите внимание, в них отсутствуют команды и унизительные реплики. Родитель не указывает ребенку, что тот должен делать.
Example 1: Father took a nap on the sofa after dinner, but it wakes up a quarrel between the two brothers: »I can not sleep with this noise. In I had a rough day, and I want to relax and not listen to your abuse. »
Example 2: Mother working at the sewing machine, and a small son methodically pulls the plug. "In
I have a very important and urgent work. You take precious time, because I have to and then insert the plug into the socket. Now I do not have time for games. »
Example 3: Son, often forget to brush your teeth, he comes to dinner, smiling from ear to ear. His teeth are the ruins of the food. »I am pleased to see you smiling, but I can not watch while eating on dirty teeth. In
I immediately lost appetite. »
Example 4: The teenager listens to music that parents do not approve. »I hate that kind of music. It gets on my nerves, and I become unrestrained and irritable. »
»I-statements» can lead to surprisingresults. Children are often surprised to find that they feel their parents. They often say, »I did not know what it is you like: annoying,» or »I did not think that you attach such importance to the fact that I ...» or »Why did not you tell me about your feelings ? »Even parents often do not realize how their behavior affects others, and children in this sense not much different from adults. By nature we are - selfish, tending to whatever was to achieve his own, but children are particularly self-centered. However, irresponsible behavior often becomes responsible when a child comes to the impact their behavior has on others.
Одна семья отправилась в отпуск, и дети, разместившиеся на заднем сидении фургона, стали слишком сильно шуметь и баловаться. В конце концов, отец свернул на обочину дороги, обернулся и заявил: «Весь этот шум просто невыносим. Это не только ваш, но и мой отпуск. Я хочу получить от него удовольствие, но при таком шуме это невозможно. Я стал нервничать, от вашей возни у меня начинает болеть голова, А я ведь тоже имею право на приятное времяпрепровождение». Ребята, которые до этого по-детски резвились, не думая об окружающих, извинились и стали учитывать интересы родителей.
Когда нашему сыну Родни было 13 лет, он совершал поступки, сильно раздражавшие меня. Следуя собственному учению, я высказала ему «я-утверждение». «Меня очень раздражает, когда ты это делаешь, потому что мне приходится выполнять лишнюю работу». Родни почти никак не отреагировал на мои слова. Я повторила ту же фразу. На этот раз мне показалось, что он частично воспринял ее, но опять не придал ей должного значения. Тогда я сказала ту же фразу в третий раз, после чего сын наконец-то изменил свое поведение.
У кого-то из вас, возможно, возник вопрос «Для чего снова и снова повторять одну и ту же фразу, если можно один раз приказать и получить тот же результат?» Во-первых, Родни he decided to change their behavior, considering my needs. He learned to respect the rights and needs of others. Secondly, what is most important, he elected the correct course of action, no one pointedhim what to do. And every time a child makes the right choice, without instruction from adults, it is moving towards greater maturity, learning self-control, which is the supreme goal of raising children.
Please note that although the »I-statements»can successfully change the unacceptable behavior of the child, this is not their main purpose. »I-statements» The main reason to use instead of »you-statements» is to get rid of irritation that can develop into anger.
Here's what else you can say about the I-statements: 1) to resort to their help as soon as you feel the irritation; do not wait until the irritation escalate into anger. 2) Do not give your child any decisions, and do not tell him what he should do. 3) If the child does not respond to your first I-approval, which may occur when you are just starting to use them, send them another message is the same - a little more than a loud, strong and emotional.
»I-statements» are more effectivemeans of communication, as the child begins to understand that he must change his behavior. He gradually feel the burden of responsibility for their behavior. With the help of these phrases do you tell your child that you believe in his ability to constructively deal with the situation and to show respect for your needs.
With the »I-statements» Over time, moredegree will help the child to change unacceptable behavior than all the promotion, punishment or notation, which resorted without success most parents. The child retains the self-esteem and good relationships with their parents.
