Рассказывает Генри Клауд
I recently gave a talk in oneorganization, and then we sat down to dinner. And at the table we are talking about parenting. At first people just talking about their children, but soon moved on to generalizations. I remember in my childhood barber taught me: »If you do not want to quarrel, do not talk about religion and politics.» I think, among the taboo should be added and the upbringing of children.
Discussion at the table became fiercer, already fighting positions were scheduled opponents. I remembered a song which became a classic Buffalo Springfield '60s, »What is it?»:
»Opponents came face-to-face,
All wrong, then, right there,
All posters are:
»Ur my party.»
Although the sides preceded his remarks conventional courtesies, I felt the tension growing.
On the one hand there were people who defendedcontrol and discipline at all costs, for which the most important - that the child grew up obedient. Others argued that love is more important than discipline and need to get the baby feel loved and protected, and only obedience will follow.
There were those who always stressed the sinfulnesschild. Listen to them, so it turns out that if we do not use every opportunity to correct the little sinners, we can assume they are gone. They were opposed by others who believed in the natural innocence and kindness of the child and believed that they sin only in response to mistreatment by the world around them.
И по голосам, и по лицам присутствующих можно было догадаться, что оппоненты казались им худшими врагами. «Почему они так сердятся? — думал я. — Разве нельзя высказать свою точку зрения, не возмущаясь теми, кто с тобой не согласен?» Но я продолжал прислушиваться к разговору — и кое-что выяснилось. Я начал понимать, почему за нашим столом разгорелись страсти.
In fact, my fellow diners was not talked on abstract themes, they said that they closely affected, discussed four aspects of life, in which they put their souls:
1. The well-being of their children.
2. The device is a society where they live.
3. His being,
4. Faith in God.
Осознав роль, какую каждая из этих близких мне тем играла в дискуссии о воспитании, я понял, что происходит. Разумеется, человек не может не волноваться, когда говорит о том, что более всего его затрагивает.
Firstly, these people cared about the welfaretheir children, want to have the best. How to grow a healthy baby, how to prepare them for adult life? Is there a guarantee that children do not touch the drugs? As a help to success in school? What do the children certainly increased capacity for love and intimacy? How to educate them in the cradle to thirty years later they were able to maintain their marriage?
Уже по этой причине никто из родителей не в состоянии занять нейтральную позицию, когда речь идет о воспитании ребенка. Ведь их решения отразятся не только на его жизни в ближайшие годы, но и на судьбе, быть может, нескольких последующих поколений. Родители любят своих детей, и проблема воспитания для них вовсе не сводится к академическим рассуждениям.
Secondly, from a social point of view of parentsIt is not isolated. In their way of thinking greatly influenced by the expectations of people with whom they live side by side. Friends, family, church - all teach them something. Many of my interlocutors were in the parent group at one or another of the church meet regularly and discuss their experience of education. Other equally constantly listened to advice of their parents, grandparents or more distant relatives. There were those who relied on the leadership of a narrow circle of friends, to other support systems.
Thus, a neutral topic will not name. If your idea about how to soothe a crying baby, sharply at odds with what is recommended you close, it may even lead to a rupture of relations with your favorite friends or a support group.
Think about how much pressure feels youngmother, trying to establish certain rules or prescribe to his son-teen restrictions that differ from the guidance of her mother, or a priest. And in this conflict involved not only the child - parents have to constantly argue with anyone who cares about themselves or their baby.
В-третьих, задумываясь о проблемах воспитания, человек размышляет не только о своих отпрысках, но и о самом себе, и о своем браке. Разве все, что делают дети, не отражается на нас, на нашей жизни? Разве нам не хотелось бы спокойно спать ночью и не вставать к младенцу, которого почему-то надо кормить восемь раз в сутки? Разве мы не предпочли бы потратить сбережения на отпуск, а не на лечение от наркомании?
Разве не приятнее слушать за столом милую и приятную беседу, а не постоянные препирательства? Разве мы не хотели бы избавиться от этой боли — видеть, как наш ребенок навлекает на себя одну беду за другой?
So, speaking about education, people have in mind notonly to the benefit of their children, but also their own interests, and this is another reason why parents can not bear to listen to arguments about how to handle a baby or a teenager. This topic is too deeply hurt themselves too personally.
And finally - this would have surprised my hairdresser -dispute turns on education as a result of a dispute about faith, ethics, values, our responsibility before God, to entrust the child to the care of our eighteen or even more years. Try telling a zealous adherent of a system of education that his choice is only a secular philosophy that God does not have approved it. Such words can serve as a trigger quarrels and discussion quickly shift from the question of how to teach a child to the pot, the question of who we have here, »true believer» and who is a heretic. Change the appearance of new ideas, or ideas can ruin the whole system of dogmas. This threatens the prevailing ideas at the person on the spiritual life.
So, better understanding the essence of the matter, I have a hugesympathetically listened to heated arguments parents. Now I know the source of this passion - I knew that each of us gives power to ensure that children grow great.
Имея в виду эту цель и опираясь на поддержку организации «Матери дошколят», заказавшей руководство для родителей, мы и приступили к созданию нашей книги, желая помочь родителям, которые изо всех сил пытаются осознать, что будет лучше для их детей. По всей стране проходят дискуссии, подобные той, что я только что описал. Родители чувствуют на себе чудовищный груз обязательств перед ребенком, самими собой, обществом и Богом. Сделать правильный выбор — очень нелегкая задача.
And now, feeling the pressure of all these circumstances,we sat down at the table and tried to explain their beliefs about the duty of parents and that children need to grow exactly as conceived their God. At the same time, we have relied on faith, we tried to build a whole book about biblical values. In the beginning, we will call the most important of them, so you can trace the development of these concepts throughout the book.
The value of love
Relationships play a key role not only inhierarchy God created the world, but also in the education of children. The nature of a child can not be formed without the deepest relationships with parents. And every page of the Bible, and our everyday experience convinced that most children need love. They come into the world empty, devoid of love, and to grow, they need to receive love. Without love, a child may even die, and if they die, it will be not developed physically, emotionally or spiritually.
Moreover, relations constitute not only the most important condition for human development, but also the main purpose of our lives. Иисус учил: весь закон сводится к заповеди любви. Любовь к Богу и ближним вмешает в себя весь Закон Божий. Ребенок, воспитываемый в послушании и строгой дисциплине, но без любви, вовсе не растет — он остается пустой оболочкой человека.
So, this book is a theory andmethodology of human relations. For the development of your child need to cling to you and to other people, and you have all the time to maintain it in an understanding that relationships are and the purpose of its development. Throughout the book, we'll show you how to do it.
The value of truth
But love alone is not enough. To relationships and other aspects of our lives to function properly, you need to structure them with the reality and the truth. Love is never too much, it is sometimes not enough discipline. Children must learn to listen to the truth and respond to it, to eventually build their lives in accordance with reality.
For example a child and a role modelThey are parents. We will try to show you what type of truth is needed at each stage of child development and how to give him the truth. At certain points you should directly say something to a child or teach him, in other cases it is necessary to apply a special discipline to prepare it for the perception of truth. Sometimes it happens that we recommend that you withdraw and not to interfere with the child's self-experiment. But, no matter what methods are used in specific circumstances, they have the same goal; help your child become a wise man living in the truth.
Роль характера
The work of parents has a time limit. One day your children will have to stand up. They will leave you, and then they head in life will be the same character that you were able to instill in them. As Jesus said a good tree does not bring forth evil fruit, and vice versa (see. Matthew 12:33), so you need a lot more to think about how the »tree» becomes your child, rather than on what fruit you can expect from it in the moment.
With this in mind, we have tried to show youevery task and problem that arises in the process of education, as part of the general plan of formation. We want to help you to make your children not only obedient kids, but also adults who are able to listen. It is easy to maintain order under the watchful eye of a policeman, but only people with an established character is able to maintain discipline when no one tells him how to behave.
So, we'll show you how to developcharacter; what is required of you baby, child, teenager, to develop this character, which will help him live his life happily; how to raise a child's integrity, reliability, and to protect it for life (see Proverbs 10: 9.). We will help you to carry out this process.
Understanding of sin, immaturity and the image of God
Now there is some dangerous extremes. Some people exaggerate the sinfulness of the child, others elevate his innocence and natural goodness. The first insist on the need severe discipline and control almost from the cradle, the latter can offer a good care of the child and to develop in him a sense of satisfaction itself. »Foster confidence in him that he is a good man, and he will act in accordance with its conception of itself» - they say.
We believe in three things. First, every child is created in the image of God, and initially received a lot of good gifts. He has all the abilities and capabilities of what God has given mankind. Secondly, this child is a sinner. All benefit Finally, it has suffered from the fall, and it has an inherent tendency to rebel against the truth, light, and even the reality of love. The third child is born incomplete, immature, in the process of education it has to »collect from pieces.»
All this means that any act of childIt may be bad, good or immature. Each of them should be tried separately and to distinguish between them. For example, a child is crying because he really needs something, or he's trying to manipulate you? Some parents say that crying is a genuine need, while others see it as a manifestation of selfishness. We also believe that we should not knowingly assume neither one nor the other, but you need to learn to distinguish between these types of crying and know at what stage of development it is most likely a symptom of the need, and in what - an expression of selfishness.
Sometimes the behavior of the child discovers in him the imageGod. When the child defends his choice, this is not always an expression of disobedience or wickedness. If you break the will of the child, in his time he will not be able to resist the temptations of drugs or sex. We must learn to distinguish between good manifestation of the will, which we want to strengthen, and rebellious, which we need to tame: a child will experience us both.
Throughout the book, we'll show you howWe built this system of values and a balance is created. We ask you to give love unconditionally immaturity, needs love child, encourage you to bring up children, rise up against the truth, against you, against God, against the established order you, and remind you all the time; develop in them the potential that is embedded in them by God.
Value freedom
Some parents most of all believe in control,others prefer to allow all, and others are trying to somehow reconcile the two extremes. We believe that God intended for people to grow in self-discipline (see. Galatians 5:23). So we do not do its job to help you gain control of the children and do not try to help children get rid of your power. We want to teach you to play such a role in the lives of your children, which would ensure the formation of their self-discipline and to enable them in the future to manage their lives.
We will strive to balance freedom anda responsibility. We believe that all the gifts that God intended for humans (see Galatians 5: 1.), Involve the freedom of choice, but this freedom should be responsibly disposed of in the service of love. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand, and with them the child turns into an adult man ready to love. We will teach you not to be afraid of freedom for their children and at the same time encourage them to justice.
your kids will not turn Thanks to this systemsmall robots, you help them to become free men, who will be able to use their freedom to choose good things: love, responsibility, service, human integrity.
Роль Бога
Ранее мы говорили, что характер человека руководит им в жизни (см. Псалом 24:21). Однако характер нельзя считать установившимся, если человек не понимает, кем он является перед Богом. Никто не захочет иметь дело с особой, воображающей себя deity. Mentally healthy people are able to comprehend: Who is God, to love Him and obey, faithfully perform its vital role assigned to him by God.
According to the plan of God, this process should startwith education. God entrusts the duty of parents to educate children so that they can know him and to take their rightful place under him. This is the great promise of God that promises us protection and defense (see Deuteronomy 6:. 20-25).
We want to show how you can help yourchildren to understand God, His establishment and its vital role under Him, His love, and the way. This idea, like previous ones, will also permeate through the heading »How to raise a wonderful child.»
Process
Воспитание ребенка — процесс, начинающийся с момента зачатия и завершающийся спустя много лет. Некоторые говорят: «Родителем становишься на всю жизнь» или: «Ты никогда не пересечешь финишную черту в процессе воспитания». Однако сама роль родителя должна меняться. Библия напоминает нам, что в один прекрасный день роль опекуна завершается (см. Галатам 4:2).
You can not immediately perform flawlesslyduties of parents, especially since these duties are varied and every day there are all new. But, understanding the basic principles of this work, you will not only do what is necessary, but also enjoy it.
Some experts on education sullenlyinsists that, if you do not follow their instructions, your children will grow up dysfunctional. It must, however, warn that full compliance with all the instructions does not guarantee anything, because children are endowed with free will. You are responsible for the process of education itself - it is responsible for the result of God. This book is written in order to ease you through the process of education, rather than achieving results.
The material is distributed in the book not in chronologicalorder. We give here a lot of guidance, tied to a specific child's age. However, we wanted to ensure to provide you with information that may be useful to you no matter what stage of education is your family at this time. In writing this book, we have focused on the main components and tasks education process, not limited to one or another period of development. Where required a special comment on the specifics of the age, we give the corresponding diagrams and instructions. But much more important than the general direction: it should be followed at all stages of education - from the cradle to college.
Another harsh reality of the process of educationIt lies in the fact that many of you reading this book, working on it alone and single-handedly bringing up children. This is a very difficult your work, because the education process involves so many tasks that God intended people to do it not alone, and in the marriage union. In this case, you will immediately want to know whether our advice applicable to your situation. Advance reservation: we made this book, taking into account the interests of all parents - both married and single. God's principles of education of children are the same for everyone. In addition, we added a special chapter for single parents, to describe the specific situations that they may encounter in the relationship with their children.
Good luck
We understand that parents strive with all my heartgrow wonderful children, want to properly handle them and they need help in the process of education. We hope that this book, along with many others will be for you a useful tool in your work. If you find that love and the need to establish boundaries are mutually cancel each other out, so we were able to express their thoughts clearly enough. If you see that we offer you to appreciate the dignity of the child, not turning it at the same time in the family idol, so we were able to give you what we believe in ourselves. If, after reading this book, you will come to the conclusion that every child has great potential, but needs and your support in correcting to unleash this potential, it means that we were able to say exactly what is intended.
To provide you with a more specialized care, we intend to make an application to this book - three workbooks for parents:
- Preschoolers (0-5 years)
- school primary and secondary schools (6-12 years), children, adolescents (13-19 years).
Once again the main thing: we believe in God's parenting plan set forth in the Bible. We do not believe in any particular rigid circuit implementation of these principles, but do know that if you violate any of these principles will suffer and the child, and his parents, and perhaps others. That's why you should not focus too much on the specific know-how. If, for example, your child does not fit the punishment in the form of his release on the chair, you will pick up some otherwise; the main thing - do not forget about the discipline.
Pray diligently seek support, do not forgetour advice and enjoy life with children. May God accompany you along the way, accompanies your every step. Let's will raise wonderful children!
