Reality

Четвертый компонент в развитии ответственности — реальность, то есть структурирование последствий неверного выбора. Мы называем это реальностью, поскольку родителям следует по возможности отражать в этих наказаниях реальное устройство мира, чтобы ребенок мог воспринять достаточно точную картину внешнего мира. Когда взрослый человек поддается эгоистичному порыву или наносит обиды другим, он, как правило, теряет друзей, лишается каких-то благ. Реальность, созданная Богом, на пользу вашему ребенку.

Реальность включает и понимание того, что ребенок может ослушаться. Только испытывая и нарушая границы, ребенок растет и приучается к ответственности. Ведя семинары и беседы по радио, я то и дело слышу вопрос «Что надо сделать, чтобы ребенок не переступал границы?» и всегда даю один и тот же ответ: «Пусть переступает! Ребенок должен испытывать границы, должен их нарушать. Вы ждете его по другую сторону и наказываете, когда он вторгается на запретную территорию».

Feeling the presence of the border, having suffered some loss,stumbled into trouble, the child begins to incorporate truth irresponsibility causes pain and damages, responsible behavior brings positive results. Feeling unpleasant consequences due to the reality, the child begins to control himself and manage his own life.

Punishment should not be limited to the threat. Do not threaten the child the consequences that you do not want to or can not be, otherwise the child incorporates this reality: »You can ignore the warning, my life is still not my problem.» The most important thing in punishing - its inevitability. Advance estimate, what do you go and get ready for a permanent test boundaries.

In order for this process to be effective, punishment must meet several parameters.

Effective punishment must:

• be as close as possible to the real consequences. For example, when a child refuses to eat, he will not get anything else until you eat dish unloved or at least try it;

• correspond to the level of child development. We're not giving away sixteen guy driving license on the day of birth because he has reached the legal age; first he must pass the exam (which he may fail). We do not think that kid has a right to watch a TV show just because it is familiar plot and characters. Raising a child, we teach him not to insist on their rights, and to prove its »right to have rights»;

• be tantamount to a crime. For four bad behavior of the child can be punished, put him in a corner or on a chair. The attempt of rebellion against the mother - deprivation of favorite toys for a while. If your teenager keeps coming back after curfew, have for some time deprived of his meetings with friends. If he is aggressive, you can go to the police;

• act immediately. Only in the case where the sentence immediately following the crime, the child associates with the consequences of the wrong choice, and no intervening events do not distract him. So, if the two-year baby scandal in the store, tell him directly: »Now we will go to the street, and you will be punished.» And then do it, so he realized that the bad behavior immediately entails bad consequences;

• to be loving. The penalty can not be threatened by deprivation of love. Your attachment to the child remains unchanged, even if it tries to break off relations with you. No behavior can not force you to change its position »for the child.» You can tell him: »You behaved badly at dinner, and now go to bed without an evening tales. But I love you, and tomorrow we'll play »;

• быть определено как можно точнее. Чего именно ребенок лишится (или какую неприятность он наживет), когда это произойдет, как долго продлится наказание. Расплывчатые угрозы типа «Ты очень об этом пожалеешь» будет трудно совместить с тем опытом, который ждет ребенка в случае нарушения границ;

• Be flexible. As the child grows and becomes more responsible, and the need to change the rules and the consequences. Some boundaries can undo what a penalty is no longer needed, as the child incorporates the rules, and you can move on.

These four factors are the responsibility of upbringing -love, truth, freedom and the reality - combine to create an environment in which your child can learn responsibility and to incorporate it. If you can observe the order »for some time, the child will experience the border to protest against them is likely to become rebellious.

However, making sure that you do not intend to retreat, and that you are stronger than him, he begins to observe, and then he set boundaries.