It is time to clean toys in the afternoonpaired with a five-year Kevin and Alison advance felt ill. How many times have all of this turning into a quarrel! They seem to repeat the same dance with ever given na.
- Honey, it's time to clean up the toys! - Alison said.
Kevin, not paying attention to her and continued to play. After waiting a minute or two, she repeated:
- Honey, it's time to clean the house, do you hear?
Kevin is still not paying attention to her. (Many children secretly told me that they hear something they hear, but many more are interested in, how many minutes and they can snatch as »ancestors» do not be angry).
- Kevin, can you hear me ?!
- What?
- I said, cleaning!
- Another minute!
- Well, just one!
It takes five minutes. And again:
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- Kevin, now take away the toys!
- Why?
- Because it's time.
- Well, in a minute.
- Now!
- Why?
- Because I said so! Immediately!
Kevin raises from the floor of a toy, intending to put it in a box, but the toy is greatly interested him, and he sat down on the floor again, taken to tinker with it.
Alison runs into many peculiar hysterical mothers:
- If you do not immediately take over the case, I'll make you, I take away from you all the toys, for all, and only when I tell dad ...
Kevin realizes that too far, and darklyremoves another two or three toys. Finally, he did, but in reality the situation is much more serious: Kevin is able to harass Alison and mother together cleaning turns much costly effort than for the child. He took the cleaning because it scared the mother angry, but next time he will be able to go even further, because it has learned to manipulate. Maybe he will be able to ensure that the mother give up and removes his own room, mumbling angrily: »It is better to remove itself than with you here ...»
Neither Alison nor Kevin not control yourself, Kevin Allison controls and not yourself, Alison allows Kevin to control himself. The responsibility is not defined.
We have already said that the child will not get youassistant during the initial development of responsibility. It seems to him that he will lose a lot and not gain anything by taking responsibility for their lives. Note, however, that the child will resist in any case, regardless of whether the right or the wrong approach to this problem you will select. This means that Alison is no risk if it tries to deal with another son. In any case, he will quietly manipulate her mother, trying to avoid unpleasant duties.
However, by Alison it depends on what kind of experience will get her baby in these clashes, as he tries to manipulate her mother. And this experience will allow the child to learn responsibility.
Alison visited our seminar »Children: borders, borders! »and changed his style. She warned Kevin, that as soon as he tries to neglect her orders to clean the room, she will take away from him all the toys. The next time Kevin had disobeyed, Alison did not try to persuade him, but simply acted in accordance with the warning and hid for a few days all the toys. Kevin protested violently, but enough for a few such experiences, to continue it immediately upon the first word, set about cleaning.
As the child learns to takeresponsibility, it ceases to be your enemy. According to God's plan, he has to take responsibility, and with it freedom and freedom of making our lives better. When the child begins to feel the benefits of responsibility, it will be your ally and an assistant.
Raising a child responsibility, you have tokeep in mind its four aspects: love, truth, freedom and reality. If the child is familiar with these parties, responsibility in the proper amounts and in the right sequence, you ask him such a character structure in which irresponsibility seems painful and pleasant responsibility. Growing up, he incorporates responsibility, and it becomes a part of his character.
Love
Ответственности ребенок может научиться, только будучи любимым. Прежде чем дети смогут научиться ответственности, вы обязаны достичь эмоционально насыщенной близости с ними. Ребенок должен понимать, что вы всегда на его стороне, вы заботитесь о его благополучии и безопасности, о его интересах и росте, даже когда спорите с ним.
This is for two reasons. At first, responsibility is inextricably linked with the truth. The truth is the recognition of really existing things, and the responsibility - our attitude to these facts. If we know the truth, we can and must take its responsibility.
Если вы знаете, что такое скорость и инерция, вы обязаны ограничивать свою скорость, сидя за рулем автомобиля. Ответственность, как и истина, разделяет и проясняет различные явления реальности. Например, в фирме у дирекции и служащих различная ответственность, потому что это разные люди и обязанности у них разные. Ответственность подчеркивает различия между людьми, и это хорошо. Когда вы приказываете ребенку сделать то, чего он не хочет, проясняется реальный факт: вы и ребенок — разные люди, у вас в жизни различные задачи и цели. Однако, если между вами не будет любви и привязанности, ребенок почувствует себя одиноким, изолированным от вас. В отсутствие материнского тепла он не сможет пережить эти различия. Ребенок должен знать: хотя вы и он — разные люди, любовь надежно объединяет вас.
Secondly, responsibility and punishment even help the child to understand the law and its commitment. When a child must face abuse fromnegative consequences. By nature man »lawless», the rules are contrary to the claims of our life, we would be happy not to obey them and do not bear the consequences of their disobedience. We always start with the fact that we reject this reality.
И дети, впервые столкнувшись с какими-то правилами, остаются весьма недовольны ими. Ведь никакой закон невозможно соблюсти в точности, а за его нарушение грозит кара. Требования закона вызывают гнев (см. Римлянам 4:15).
Ребенок начинает капризничать, хныкать, протестовать или же заявляет: «Так нечестно!» Бывает и так, что ребенок во всем винит себя, его гнев оборачивается против него самого. Это вы считаете, что негативный опыт чему-то учит, что это часть дисциплины, а ребенок воспринимает его как наказание и приговор.
Only love can help the child movethe presence of the rules in your relationship. Love admits protest against the law, but still teach them to obey. Love will save your child from self-deprecation when he was something not cope. As Josh McDowell says: »The rules are not warmed relations generated by the insurgency.»
Вы должны сочувствовать борениям, в которых рождается ответственный характер вашего ребенка. Ребенок злится, капризничает, выкидывает коленца. Да, все это нелегко стерпеть, но ведь и ему приходится нелегко, потому-то он и протестует. Ребенокдолжен полностью пересмотреть свои взгляды на жизнь- Раньше он думал, что волноваться нечего, родители все уладят, а теперь понимает, что все может обернуться не так уж хорошо. Это трудный момент для ребенка.
To help children to assumeresponsibility, you have to combine truth with grace in his own character. Make sure you have done the work of formation of attachment described in the previous chapter, and your child is rooted and grounded in love (see. Ephesians 3:18). Before you engage in establishing the boundaries of education and responsibility, it is necessary to develop and securely attach their love for the child.
Let him feel the mercy: »Yes, I am very sorry for you, even when you behave so that I have to be angry with you. You'll sit under house arrest until your behavior will not change, but all this time I feel sorry for you. » Expressing his sympathy when he rebels against your rules, »Yes, dear, to sit up late on homework quite difficult. I hope you can handle it. » Emotional investment will help the child to control himself when he will feel hatred for you or decide that you hate it, just need to behave responsibly on it. Love fills the gap formed as a result of disagreements.
Ребенок порой отвергает и вас, и вашу любовь, когда вы начинаете воспитывать в нем ответственность. Он поступает, как полководцы древности, казнившие гонца, принесшего дурную весть. Конечно, ненависть ребенка ранит вас, но и это часть ноши, возложенной на родителей. Припомните себе в утешение, что Господь слышит и чувствует все вопли, всю ненависть Своих чад, ежедневно восстающих против Него, вопрошающих и возмущающихся, обвиняющих Его во всем и отворачивающихся от Него, — и все же Он никогда не лишает их Своей любви. Бог знает, как много любви нам нужно, чтобы стать поистине взрослыми. Сохраняйте контакт со своим ребенком и не забывайте соблюдать правила.
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