The need for a relationship to be implemented within the relationship

Feeling lonely, pain, fear, the child seekscontacts with parents. He also needed a functional assistance - advice, suggestions, some ways to cope with the problems. While the child is small, it does not differ from the first and the second demand. That you have to show him that on the first place there are always relationships. Help him reach the vicinity, make sure that you understand it, ready to listen to him, sympathize with him.

For character development is extremely importantempathy, that is, to share the pain and grief of another person. Empathy brings together people seeking and giving each other comfort. It can not be equated with a purely intellectual understanding of someone else's problem, it is rooted in the depths of the soul. Jesus often guided in their actions sympathy, compassion for the plight of the people (see. Eg, Matthew 9:36). Empathizing with the child, we give him to understand that he was not alone, that we love him and are willing to understand. In need of sympathy and a baby suffering from colic, which should be pressed to her, lulled, and the teenager, eager to hear from parents: »What a pity that you had a fight with Billy. You must be very disappointed. »

The mother should quietly accept and restrainanxiety and pain baby. Then he will be able to sustain them, and eventually learn to deal with them. Holding the baby in her arms, the mother sometimes dissolved in dreams, almost falls asleep and is experiencing a full merger with the baby, which swayed. For some time, she refuses

own individuality, to take a first experience of the child.

Sometimes, to solve functional problemssatisfied with the contact. For example, when a baby whining and begging on the street to his friends, but he must also finish their homework, to calm him down and return to the desktop it is enough to say: »Of course, you want to friends, I understand.» »Love covers a multitude of sins» (1 Peter 4: 8).

Нужно также учесть тенденцию подменять проблемы отношений функциональными. Мать, которая уже не в силах уделять малышу какое-то внимание, попросту засовывает ему в рот бутылочку с молоком; отец, оставляя ребенка одного, дает ему игрушку. Ребенок хочет, чтобы его всего-навсего выслушали, а родители уже думают, как решить его проблемы. Порой все жалобы сводятся к одной: «Вы нужны мне!». Припомните, как тяжко было вам, когда вы ждали от взрослых сочувствия, а они — из самых благих побуждений — забрасывали вас советами.

The proximity without an attempt on someone else's territory

To proximity retained its attractiveness in the eyes of a child, it is necessary to provide him with sufficient freedom, private space of emotions.

The need for child affection is not alwaysIt remains at the same level. Most of the requirements is subject to a particular cycle. Are you satisfied with the child in need of comfort and intimacy, and then contact should be somewhat weakened, so that the child could easily »digest» received. Toddlers often received consolation immediately abut hand mother in the chest and begin to break out - the fuel of love you need them to, feeling completely safe, explore the world. If parents do not impose them themselves, the children eagerly returned to the relationship with them, without fear of attacks on their freedom.

We must remember this and do not intrude into the personalchild's experience. Mother, experiencing severe anxiety, cuddle a child too hard or too long; the father considers it his duty to continue the »conversation heart to heart», when the child has uttered and wants to ride on a skateboard. For children, parents obsessive relationship becomes a form of control, choking them cobwebs. That's too bad, because the closeness beginsassociated with something undesirable, in particular, it deprives human freedom. Lays doubts about the ability of the child to the independence and initiative. Sometimes kids react to it, »closing» of all the emotions, withdrawal and eliminated from the relationship. In other cases, they behave aggressively, setting a distance with their parents - usually so do teenagers if parents can not just let them go. Children brought up intrusive parents, as adults, are not able to close relationships. Proximity seems to them a threat that could destroy them, to violate their rights, deprived of freedom. They just are not ready to adopt the proposed them love.

The Bible teaches us that love does not seek its own (see. 1 Corinthians 13: 5). Love wants the freedom of the beloved, she wants comfort not afford, and he, she asks for one thing: to favorite adopted her when she needed him. Good parents offer children proximity, but do not insist on it when it is not necessary for the child.

Многим родителям нелегко с этим смириться. Близость, слияние лежат в основе наших отношений с ребенком, близость — величайшая ценность этих отношений. Родители, сами испытывающие проблемы в области установления связей, пытаются порой удовлетворить свою потребность в зависимости с помощью ребенка. Если вы считаете, что чем ближе ваши отношения с ребенком, тем лучше для него, если вы ищете этой близости для удовлетворения собственных потребностей, если близость становится препятствием на пути самостоятельности, лишает ребенка личного опыта — любовь может из потребности превратиться для вашего ребенка в пугало.

Растите ребенка так, чтобы он был способен сам воспринять любовь и близость и потом поделиться ими с другими людьми. Вместе вы строите внутри ребенка фундамент, на который будет опираться вся его жизнь. И с этим необходимым «кирпичом» в фундаменте его характера тесно связан другой — ответственность. Об этом мы поговорим в следующей статье.