Bost of today's parents believe the gapIntergenerational inevitable phenomenon; At the same time they recognize that good communication - the foundation of good discipline and a healthy value system. They want to keep the lines of communication open or clean those clogged. But how? Although the final formula, triggered in all cases, does not exist, there are some principles and indicators that parents should follow.
First of all, it is important to define whatcommunication, what it is not and that the parent can expect from him. Some dads and moms confused verbal contact with communication. They think that if they talk to the children, which means that they communicate. But communication is a two-way street, it is »the transfer of information or the exchange of information» ( »New World Dictionary Webster»). Communication is not only the transfer of information, but also in the same open and readily accepted it.
Children often complain that there are few who are listening thatno one understands their feelings and their all time sawing. Yes, many parents really play the role of a sergeant who had just shouting commands to his subordinates. Not surprisingly, the children of such parents do not take into account, and not to establish normal communication between them.
Researchers and psychologists have developed overeffective methods of relationships, parents can use them at home to clean the clogged channels of communication. One of the most important discoveries for the internal spirit, without which normal relationships impossible. This attitude is called »benevolence» or »favor.»
Most of us believe, though forproper development of the child's character, we have to tell him that we do not like it. We overload her speech moralizing, lecturing and teams. But they all carry a charge unwholesome attitude. In many families, verbal communication consists of only one criticism. They rarely hear the praise, gratitude, compassion, just joyful words. Some parents even openly asked. »Why comment on good behavior? He's doing what I asked him! »Hearing these words, growing up man comes to the conclusion that it would be much safer to keep their thoughts and feelings with you for it. Criticism makes the teenager to take a defensive position, and to avoid further complications he enters the zone of silence at home and communicates only with their peers and selected friends. With them he can speak freely, because he knows that what has been said it will be accepted.
American Institute of Family Relations reportson the results of studies of negative and positive words to the children. Mother counted the number of times they are abused and how many times praised their children for some time. The analysis showed that for every ten reproach there is only one praise. In other words, 90 percent of all the words carried a negative charge.
Apparently, teachers fared better,but not so. The three-year study in public schools of the city of Orlando, Florida, showed that only 75 percent of the words uttered by the teacher, carry a negative charge. The same study found that every accusation causes such damage to the child's representation of himself that then to fix the damage should be four times to praise him.
Родители признают, что «кое у кого слишком длинные уши», однако часто говорят о ребенке бестактные вещи в его присутствии. Например, восьмилетняя дочка моей подруги отличалась непослушанием. Подруга все время жаловалась, что с Бекки просто невозможно сладить, тогда как Бекки стояла рядом и все прекрасно слышала. В результате у ребенка сложилось примерно такое представление о себе: «Со мной невозможно сладить», и этот негативный образ стал довлеть над девочкой, самым пагубным и заметным образом влиять на ее поведение дома, в школе, во время работы по дому и в ходе игр с друзьями.
На семинарах родители часто осаждают меня. Они интересуются моим мнением по поводу поведения своих детей и с жаром говорят: «Ронни делает то-то и то-то, он такой-то и такой-то», а Ронни в это время стоит рядом и слушает с широко раскрытыми глазами. Родители иногда не понимают, какой урон они наносят ребенку! Внимательно выслушав последнее мамино откровение о своем характере и поведении, Ронни добавит еще одну деталь к тому умственному представлению о себе, которое он конструирует. Чем чаще повторяются подобные сцены, тем прочнее в психике Ронни закрепляется отрицательное представление о себе.
Accept the other person as he is,to love him; the conclusion is simple, if you are taking, then you love. When a child feels loved, it contributes to his mental and physical development, and is an effective, healing power, eliminating the physical and psychological damage. When a person feels about themselves is truly supportive attitude on the part of another person, then he can think about is that he needs a change in what respect it should grow and change, what skills need to be developed. Positive attitude motivates a child to disclose all of its capabilities, but it is necessary to demonstrate the relationship so that the child could feel it.