Invitation to communication opens the door to understanding, but parents need to know how to keep it open. For this purpose the best this wonderful skill as active listening. With active hearing can not onlyget information, but also to learn about the true feelings of the child, hiding behind his words that much more important. This method should be applied in cases where a parent by their appearance notices that his child was faced with some problem or is in emotional turmoil. Obey their parents need to understand what feelings are hidden behind the words, and then formulate a child's sense that no misunderstandings remain. When you feel that you understand the essence of the matter, describe the problem in your own words to your partner to confirm that you misunderstood him.
If you misinterpreted the child's feelings,he is likely to say, »No, I did not mean it» and will correct you sometimes need to gently probe the mood of the baby to see what feelings are hidden behind her words. It will help the soft issues and phrases such as »tell me more about it.»
As: the child will be deeper approach to essentially the problem with which he is confronted, you should restrain your urge to solve the problem for him or tell him what to do. The man turned out to be a hostage of his own emotions, unable to think clearly, therefore, helping the child to formulate the problem out loud, you help him to understand how to cope with negative emotions in a positive way. Your child learns that it can safely talk to you about their feelings, and you set him a strong relationship. Here are a few brief examples, when parents understand what active listening.
Example 1:
Ребенок: »Joanna took my book and hid it. It angered me so much that I am ready to hit her. »
Родитель: »You are because of this very upset. I understand how frustrating when you have something to hide and take. »
Ребенок: »Still would».
Example 2:
Ребенок: »Since Eddie left to play it was not with anyone. I have nothing to do all day. So boring!»
Родитель: »I see you miss your departure time with Eddie. Yes, sad to part with his best friend and realize that there is no one with whom one could have a good time. »
Ребенок: »It would still, it's just awful, and lshe never be able to find another such friend, Eddie.»
Example 3:
Daughter: »Dad, when you were young men and took care of the girls, some girls you interested in? What do you most like about them? »
Dad: »It looks like you are concerned, what you get from a lady.»
Daughter: »Yes, I am 14 years and I have never prescribed date in contrast to all my friends.»
In each of the above examples of parents correctly recognize the child's feelings, which follows from the subsequent reaction of the child. But it is not always easy to identify specific feelings of the child
Dr. Heim Dzhinott in the bestseller »between parents andchild »also emphasizes how important it is to look for the hidden meaning in a dialogue with the child. In one classic example, he says, like a little boy first went to kindergarten. »Who painted these ugly pictures?» - He asked.
My mother tried to stop him, but the teacher stepped in and explained: »There is not necessarily paint a good picture. If you want, you can paint an ugly picture. »
Then the boy asked: »Who broke this fire engine?»
Mom responded like this: »What do you care who did it? You still do not know anyone here. »
Mentor also said otherwise: »Toys are meant to play in them. Sometimes they break. This also happens. »
Dr. Dzhinott says that in each case a boyactually I wanted to know what happened to children who drew pictures of bad or broken toys. Mom perceived only his words, but not the feelings that were hidden behind them. Mentor has caught the feelings hidden behind the question of the child, and then soothed him.
In the example below sequentially momuse active listening to help Natalie open independently consider the problem, evaluate yourself and your friend and begin to address the problem.
Natalie: »Again, I spent the evening with Jim Harder. It's the best guy I've ever known. I just admire them. It seems to me ... (she pauses, weighing his words), I might even marry him! ».
Mom: «Расскажи мне о нем» (раскрытие двери).
Natalie: »He's so helpful and polite. He treats me like a queen! It bears no resemblance to the rest of daredevils from our school. »
Mom: »You were happy that you are treated like a lady?»
Natalie: »Oh, yes, it would still! I met Jimmy a few times, but the last night we spent together, and you know, he sat me down at the table, then helped put on a coat and even opened the car door for me! ».
Mom: »It seems that you really like these tokens.»
Natalie: »I really enjoyed it. Jimi just lovely and also a good conversationalist. We always have a topic of conversation. I can talk to him for hours. »
Mom: »You're really good you feel when you talk to Jimmy? This is true?».
Natalie»Yes, I really feelin a special way, when I'm with this guy, but you know what, Mom? I was a bit alarmed when Jim said that he would not graduate from high school. He works in the shop on the southern outskirts of the city, and says he would rather work there than go to school. But he did a good job. »
Mom: »Looks like you're at a loss and do not know whether he comes.»
Natalie»Yes, I thought about it. I think that everyone should at least finish my studies in high school. Not everyone should go to college, but I always planned to go to college. I wonder how can arise from relationships within the family, if the wife is going to college, and does not want to learn to fly, even in high school ... ».
Mom: »It seems so serious questions not give you peace.»
Natalie»Well, it's not that serious, but it is necessary to think about it. And you know what he told me? Jim believes that you can suggest to your friends on the exam and solve the problem for them. »
Mom: »I think that you yourself are not very sure, you can do it or not.»
Natalie»Of course, I know that someone is all examinationstime debit, but it's not really fair, and above all in relation to those children who do everything honestly. Perhaps, in the end they will benefit further if their marks will be lower. Well, now I need to do your homework. Jim will call in the evening, and I wish that I had as much time to talk with him. »
During this conversation, based on the activelistening, mom pushed their thoughts and feelings to the side to listen to Natalie and understand her feelings. She became interested in another Natalie, but refrained from own judgment, although she had to watch yourself carefully. Jim - not a bad guy, but he was raised in a family idlers. In fact, my mother was hoping that Natalie will find yourself someone better.
She was anxious to leave this conversationunfinished, because she knew that almost nothing has been decided. However, scrolling in the memory of all the fragments of the conversation, my mother realized that Natalie goes to the stage of solving the problem and that it is worried about some Jim habits and shortcomings.
The conversation with my mother allowed Natalie to see Jim ina new light. Two weeks later, Natalie admitted to my mother that though they remained friends with Jim, but now will be less likely to occur. Natalie brought such an argument: »Good manners and polite conversation, of course, important, but that's not all!»
